Don't Panic!

Holiday Highlights

2011-12-29T17:22:00.001-05:00

I'm enjoying my holiday back home in Toronto far too much to make the time to write about it.

Where Is My Mind?

2011-11-28T20:54:00.001-05:00

Time management is a strange thing; mental faculty management…even stranger. I’ve managed to color code my calendars and live by them. I know what I need to complete by when, when to meet with who and where, and what meeting I need to prepare for. However, now that I have mastered one aspect of my life, I find myself facing another challenge: the difficulty in being productive AND organized.

My physical workspace must be pristine before I sit down to work, but only remains in that state for about an hour. As I sit down and focus on my work I find quotes to jot down on post-it notes, important emails force me to find old paperwork, and the surface area of my desktop piles up with rations from my concerned roommates. This progressive chaos that is my desk is nothing but a barren desert when compared to the contents of my many notebooks.

My commonplace books are filled with nearly anything you could imagine: sketches, recipes, quotes, letters, poems, movie pitches, proverbs, dreams, inventions, equations related to quantum theory etc. These books have become an essential part of my day-to-day life; I use them religiously for remembering useful concepts or promising project ideas. The only problem: they are completely disorganized.

Unfortunately I can’t hire an assistant to remedy this…my student budget doesn’t have room for this expense. If only I could find a way to throw my work and my ideas into a database/search engine so that I could find what I need when I need it….

What would I like for Christmas?

DEVONthink – a Mac app for “intelligent document management and associative search”. All I would need to do is transfer my books onto my computer and file them away!

My problems are solved! And color-coded. And organized based on effect and relevance.

Nepal: You Are (not) a Tourist.

2011-11-01T15:56:00.004-04:00

A Brief and Casual Reflection on 36 Hrs Spent in Nepal

Nepal: the mélange of everything you’ve ever heard about anything. Christmas lights that are hung to celebrate the birth of Christ back home become symbols of Lakshmi during the festival of lights. Images of Shiva are images of Bhairab and a six-year-old girl looking down on you from a window is a living goddess.

You notice a seamless confluence of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Animism in even the poorest of neighborhoods. You find it impossible to deny the feeling of painful irony as a mob of deformed untouchable children follow you and all you want to do is hold them. You don’t take your eyes off your feet in fear you might step on something, or someone by accident.

You are told about the royal massacre that ended the Nepalese monarchy; a tragic love story that puts Romeo and Juliet to shame. Did the Prince who gunned down his entire family, his lover and himself ever read Shakespeare?

Watching the cremation of a very young child along the Bagmati River haunts you but you are unable to leave; there is no one else there to mourn the child. You see Sadhus covered in the ashes of the dead and wonder who will wear these ashes? The holy Sadhus who have devoted themselves to live outside the caste and religious limits of their environments become the holy punk rockers in your mind. You rock. Don’t ever change.

Your legs are sore from your capoeira class but you and the hundreds of others still climb up the 300 steep and uneven stairs to reach the Stupa atop a mountain. Buddha’s eyes join yours as you look over Kathmandu Valley.

You take the easy way down through a forest of Prayer Flags. Did monks really climb those trees to get them there?
You entertain the idea that maybe the Prophets you've read about are somehow connected to Vishnu.

You wait for the monkeys in your bus to leave. You choose to walk home through the remains of Tihar (Diwali) and see a cow eating the garbage.

What is going on? You realize that the spirituality here is communal and individualized. Everyone worships differently together. You participate in rigorous theatre rehearsals run by a veteran known for having a direct connection to the divine and consequently he could spontaneously fall into trance in the middle of it.

There is something that we all have in common - not situational but metaphysically - the emotions we feel - the processes our body go through - the cycle we all begin and end. We have to be parts of a whole; individuality is too superficial. That seems like a scientific thing to say so why was the idea inspired by studying Hinduism?

There are always different names for the same thing so maybe I’m only throwing a new vocabulary on the beliefs I’ve always had.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE creative…

2011-10-14T13:41:00.000-04:00

…Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) all the courses I’m enrolled in demand the former.

The irony of taking courses that demand creativity can be found in the course readings. In the last month and a half I have come to own a bookshelf full of creativity “dos and don’t” and am studying “where good ideas come from”. I am being taught how to be innovative and encouraged to think outside the box within the confines of a classroom.

Authors are instructing me on how to be creative; to work hard so good ideas can form within my mind, and to not think about thinking about being creative.

Hold on.

I am forced to read books that argue against forcing creativity so that I can become more creative. C’est la vie.

In a world that is becoming more instant, I’d still like to embrace and argue for what I think the authors of my textbooks are trying to communicate:

If you are constantly distracted your mind won’t have a chance to communicate any good ideas to you. Take some time to relax and be unproductive; you might have something to say to yourself.

Shel Silverstein's Homework Machine

Head Cold

2011-09-29T11:56:00.000-04:00

Nothing had ever obliged him to do anything. He had spent his childhood alone. He never joined any group. He never pursued a course of study. He never belonged to a crowd. The circumstances of his life were marked by that strange but rather common phenomenon – perhaps, in fact, it’s true for all lives – of being tailored to the image and likeness of his instincts, which tended towards inertia and withdrawal.

Fernando Pessoa, from the Preface of

The Book of Disquiet, tr. by Richard Zenith.

Hhhmm. Good point.

We Day

2011-09-27T08:02:00.000-04:00

“Ohhh he likes you!” Scott turned to me to say.

“Nah we just went to high school together. That’s all.” I replied.

“Nope. He definitely likes you.” He rebutted.

It seemed such a strange observation coming from a man I had only met several hours before. The man was Scott Hood, president and founder of The World Change Foundation. I was his wrangler for the day and my job was to ensure he was comfortable but more importantly in the right place at the right time. We were giving out World Change Coins to everyone we met and this included the Degrassi cast who was speaking that day when we ran into them in the green room.

Ray had recognized me from school and we had brief introductions and some small talk before we both had to be on our way. It wasn’t until a couple hours later when I had to take Scott to our assigned box seats that Ray and I ran into each other again. By sheer coincidence we were assigned to the same box.

It was nearly impossible to have a conversation during the show, especially once the Jonas Brothers showed up, but just before leaving Ray came over and asked if he could have my number so we could meet up after the show was over. No harm in that.

We both showed up at the smaller, quieter “after party” where we sat down over coffee and jellybeans and talked about absolutely everything we possibly could in that amount of time. He asked if I wanted to join him and his friends at the second event but I had to make my way home.

It wasn’t for another seven months until we began dating but for all We Day stands for and the incredible effect it has on so many youth, it really did change my life.

Looks like Scott Hood was right.

Have fun at We Day today Toronto.
Change really does happen.

Watch We Day 2011 online: http://www.muchmusic.com/events/weday/

Mission (Im)Possible

2011-09-15T09:08:00.001-04:00

Two of my roommates were craving it and just had to have it. Since I was going out anyways I told them that as long as I didn’t have to go alone I would buy it for them. One had to stay behind because she carried the wrong passport and could easily be stopped. In the taxicab I was going over my mental list of what I needed to pick up and was trying to estimate how much it would cost. We took care at getting everything else that we needed inside before we eventually made our way to the back where there was a clear border complete with appropriate signage that stood between us and what it was we intended to get. As we passed through the doorway it took a moment for our eyes to adjust to the dimmer light but we could immediately smell that we were in the right place. Every wall was crammed with varieties of all kinds; it overwhelmed me and I forgot what kind I was meant to buy. I called my roommate who had stayed behind to clarify. I found it. It was expensive and only came in small packages but we had gone too far out of our way to turn back.

I bought bacon under Sharia law.

Nothing's impossible.

**FYI: I bought it legally**

Whatever Works

2011-09-06T11:16:00.000-04:00

Today one of my friends came up to me to tell me that this semester she was not happy dealing with other people’s drama, slacking in school or not getting enough sleep and that she was going to try doing what I do – not talk to people. Perhaps this sounds absurd and sociopathic but I immediately took her comment as a compliment and told her to try it.

Everyone deals with pressure and stress differently, have different priorities and personality traits. The one time I took my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test in school resulted in me getting an X – being “confused” between intra and inter personal. The criticism that comes with that is inevitable and insignificant. My priorities don’t include certain things that others deem essential. I am comfortable judging for myself when and how it is necessary to use my time.

My advice to the rest of you? Whatever works.

Don’t feel burdened to give up your time, it’s the most precious thing you have - but don’t live without love, friendship or ambition.

Ugh.

2011-07-06T07:54:00.001-04:00

I am lethargic and lazy and lamenting the time I’ve lost already enjoying myself this summer.

Time is making jokes at my expense.

- Wildlife, Stand in the Water

Walk Without Rhythm

2011-06-30T23:18:00.000-04:00

...and you won't attract the worm.

I was named after a character from Frank Herbert's science fiction novel "Dune". In the story, the only way to cross the desert is to walk without rhythm. Any footsteps with a regular pattern would attract a gigantic sand worm that would then eat you. The end.
This is a reminder to myself to follow my own pulse, my own pace and my own protocol while living in the desert to make it across the next few years mentally intact.
Still soaking in as much of home as I can and loving every precious second of it.

Screenshot from my memoir "Maybe I'm Just Tired"

Friendly Reminder

2011-06-22T19:22:00.002-04:00

The world is pining for me to become a cautious person, or perhaps I have just become more aware of the dangers the world holds and am therefore subconsciously suggesting caution to myself. Regardless, being alert is never a negative thing per say, but being wary of too much makes life dreary. Fear, no matter what form it takes, cripples every sense and devastates rationality. Physical, emotional, and mental trauma happens and when it happens to you it can stop you from doing what you love. There should always be something in life that is so satisfying that it can’t easily be compromised by fear. Find what that is and you will find the keystone of what makes you happy.

The last thing I want to become is too afraid to live. I constantly catch myself worrying about things I can’t control. Despite the choices made in the present, the future will always throw improbabilities along the way. Some will be constructive, beneficial and maybe even enjoyable while others will be hard, trying and painful.

Fight every “what if” with a “so what” and brace yourself for the future. That’s all any of us can do.
These points are blatant but we can all use a friendly reminder every once and awhile.

“Take chances, make mistakes, get messy.”

- Ms.Frizzle

There and Then

2011-06-11T15:25:00.001-04:00

There was no longer any evidence of the vicious rainstorm which took place over the urban shantytown the previous evening. The soggy wet smell had evaporated and was replaced with a stale heat. Alleyways were taken over by a drowsy calm and lonely absence of children. If you strained, you could hear the muffled sound of distant traffic behind the murmured ambience of foreign soap operas flooding through an opened window of a store top apartment. It was eerily still; even the stray dog seemed content to be harassed by the flies as it slept in the lazy heat.

The toxic stench of half a million people’s filth drowned any lungs that were unfortunate enough to inhale it. The air was a breeding epidemic. The streets – if you could call them that – were plagued with innumerable festering insects. The occasional buzz would deafen the preyed ear and only cease after a series of violent swats.

Numerous bags being thrown into the air several blocks away momentarily blot out the sun; the locals call them ‘flying toilets’. The irrationality of such an action is ignored as any street nomad welcomes the brief shade. The temperature is unavoidable; every tin surface returned the sun and the rays are echoed until they are absorbed by their fleshy target.

The neighborhood has grown excessively; however, there is no one visible to support the population census. The poorest neighborhood is one of the richest. Its wealth has no currency; it is instead measured by the struggles, the injustice, and age. The history of inequality cuts deeply into the elderly but remains unacknowledged by the youth who have survived the first decade of misery. The new generation remains hopeful and refuses to let their environment reflect their ambition.

Never Mind Neverland

2011-06-02T18:29:00.000-04:00

"You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls."

— J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)

Mortality has given growing up a bad rap. Young people die too (that is indeed an awfully big adventure awaiting us all) however not growing up will not change that fate for anyone. There exists an endless list of reasons why staying young seems to be the ideal including maintaining innocence, avoiding responsibility, and having the time (and energy) to climb trees. Fair enough.

There is nothing wrong with maintaining a youthful attitude while embracing the changes in both lifestyle and mentality that come with becoming an adult, but to tenaciously clutch onto childhood seems unnaturally counter-productive.

People who lack confidence, self-security, priorities and enthusiasm about their own futures may feel the need to buy themselves “more time” to reach their goals – this is an impossible thing to do because time is definitely not for sale. There are those people who have lost so much in their lives that the future seems to only hold more losses – there is too much opportunity and beauty in the world to dwell on ephemerality. Regardless of the source of this Peter Pan complex, age will happen to everyone.

Time is relative and everyone moves at their own pace. Make growing up easier: accept responsibility, set ambitious goals, forget vanity, do what you love, don’t pretend to be enjoying yourself when you’re not, and don’t stop the ones you love from growing up (or pressure the ones who want to be left behind to catch up).

No one knows what the future holds, that’s a no-brainer, but I am eager to reach my prime. The last year has taught me diligence, patience but most importantly, self-confidence. I can for the first time admit to my accomplishments, sacrifices and take pride in the work I have done. I’m nowhere near done growing up but I feel it coming and I’m looking forward to it. My changing interests and priorities will no doubt be met with insolence and resistance but I have faith and trust (no pixie dust) in my future. Without judging those who wish to live in Neverland, I must admit that I don’t see the appeal of resisting the inevitable unending age everyone travels through or the responsibilities that coincide. Besides, I’ve always been more of a Captain Hook fan.

Ruby Slippers

2011-05-19T20:21:00.002-04:00

Be thankful for the things that are given to you.

Acknowledge all the opportunities you are provided with and the people that share your journey.

Unasked excess does not equal happiness.

Learn to be criticized.

Appreciate the people that support you and the unconditional love they give you.

People who are patient with you deserve the most from you.

Be patient with those who are honest.

Human emotion should not be shut out, put down or ignored.

Emotions are too immediate and instinctual to condemn.

Talk.

Don’t compromise your time.

It’s the quality not the quantity.

Make time for the people who make time for you.

Time given to you is worth more than anything and can only be repaid with your time.

Don’t justify or objectify love.

Make it your own.

Admit to all you have taken for granted.

There is no place like home.

Pehlwani / Kushti

2011-05-05T00:48:00.000-04:00

Wrestling in the outskirts of Dubai.

Convention Be Damned!

2011-04-16T12:15:00.001-04:00

Ray and I have been dating for just over 11 months now and we spent our night together ~11,110 km apart. Fortunately, I will be home before our 1-year anniversary… this fact makes me twice as excited to come home for the summer. The last month has made me extremely weary and homesick and I feel I have faced so many great and challenging things that I can only share what I have learned thus far.

Things are constantly evolving and relationships are no different. The constant change in our lives is inevitable and the most we can do is just roll with the punches! Open and constant communication is what makes the development of any relationship as smooth as possible. Many of my friends and peers are surprised that despite the 9-hour time difference Ray and I are able to Skype at least twice a day… every day. As the year went by, we quickly discovered new ways to make our relationship feel closer to home.

Doing what we would do if I were home has made this time apart not only bearable but also fun and romantic. The craziness of school and work added to the time difference has limited communication during the day but I love nothing more than waking up and falling asleep to the man I love. We fall asleep to stories, we have date nights, movie nights, and wake up to each other (and sometimes take the occasional nap together). It seems that as time progresses and our relationship develops we have found a way to keep ahead of the hopeless despair often associated with long-distance relationships.

There is so much pressure on this kind of relationship that both people need to be incredibly dedicated to making it work; as emotionally draining as it is at times, I am fortunate that this is the case for me. I couldn’t ask for a better man to support me when I need it and to openly talk to when I am feeling down. Many people will make assumptions, predictions and ultimately believe that as sweet as you may be, the relationship just won’t work out because of distance…I say fuck convention…Its working so far and I don’t see that ever changing.

Lesson III: True beauty

2011-03-25T15:13:00.001-04:00

Lesson: Beauty has more to do with the way you feel than the way you look.

For the last seven months I have been living in a country where physical beauty is not a priority. There are so many shades of grey in this statement… but the cultural ideology of beauty here in the United Arab Emirates is not what I am writing about. Simply put: living here has inspired me to question and challenge my former views on beauty.

Humans are too complex to limit beauty to physicality. We have other senses to experience beauty and severely bind ourselves within our sight when we fail to observe or consider the other aspects of it.

The attitude you carry is what makes you beautiful. Obsessively complaining about your appearance is not flattering or a fair reflection on your intelligence.

I still have ugly days. Those days when you wake up feeling ‘fat’ and your skin is breaking out and your hair decides to have an untamed mind of its own all at the same time. Those days are the worst. Its easier said than done, but to forget about your hang-ups and challenge the world with all you’ve got DESPITE the fact that you forgot to throw on some mascara is the strength we all need to find.

No matter what you look like, there are people in this world that will love you.

Do the Right Thing

2011-03-19T12:24:00.004-04:00

Considering culture, race, and the oppression which is always looming behind them, I find it best to step away from politics. Politics are too finite. The papers are signed and dated, governments are overthrown, holidays are created, freedom is celebrated - everything has a time and a place in a very linear time line.

The problem with this political mindset is there is minimal examination of the cultural consequences. Nothing exists today independently from the past and many aspects of the past can be found in co-existence with the preset – Including discrimination.

Intangible consequences are long lasting effects of past occurrences of oppression and continuous cultural ignorance. Education and media are platforms where imperialism still exists at large. Films such as Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing bring up many questions about race, discrimination and violence. The audience is encouraged to question their perception of righteousness - something western media often attempts to answer itself to shape the popular opinion in favour of its capital power.

We have to remain aware that the stats we read in newspapers, the hate speech towards race affects and is directly connected to people who suffer daily for something as sacred as their faith or as ridiculous as their skin color.

It is easier to hate numbers than it is to hate humans.

Playlist

2011-03-08T17:25:00.000-05:00

With over 10,000 songs from all over the world in my iTunes Library I find it incredibly hard to recommend music. I've tried my best - but I fear in vain - to put together a small sample of my music. Much is missing. Enjoy.

Dog Days Are Over - Florence + The Machine
Born Under A Bad Sign - Albert King
The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
Anthem Part2 (From Powaqqatsi) - Philip Glass
Dirt Off Your Shoulder - Jay-Z
Everything Will Be Alright - The Killers
Hello Hello - Mose Se Sengo "Fan Fan"
Out For Blood - Zeds Dead
Are You The One? - The Presets
Northearned - Arietta
Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) - Arcade Fire
Like A Prayer - Madonna
Chinese Translation - M.Ward
They All Laughed - Ella Fitzgerald/Louis Armstrong
Volare - Gipsy Kings
Terrible Angels - CocoRosie
Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars
I'd Rather Go Blind - Etta James
Strings - Young the Giant
Homeless - Paul Simon ft. Ladysmith Black Mambazo
Your Hand in Mine - Explosions in the Sky
Monster - Kanye West
Maki Madni - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan & Party
Germany To Germany - Ratatat
Naive - The Kooks
Slavery Days - Burning Spear
Glósóli - Sigur Ros
Selkies - Between the Buried and Me
Wretch - Protest The Hero
Maybe I'm Just Tired - As Tall As Lions
Mother Superior - Coheed And Cambria
Bulletproof - La Roux
Little Lover's So Polite - Silversun Pickups
In the Beginning - K'naan
Spente le Stelle - Emma Shapplin
Evil - Interpol
Superstar - Lupe Fiasco
No,Not Now - Hot Hot Heat
St.Elsewhere - Gnarls Barkley
Shark in the Water - VV Brown
B.Y.O.B - System of a Down
Road to Joy - Bright Eyes
Hey - Pixies
F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X. - Fall of Troy
Iron Lion Zion - Bob Marley
This Too Shall Pass - OK Go
Tbtf
One (Blake's Got A New Face) - Vampire Weekend
Don't Break My Heart - B.O.B
Shira - Bellemou Messaoud
Play Crack The Sky - Brand New
Little Garcon - Born Ruffians
I Saw God - Victor Wooten
Yebo! - The Art of Noise
My Time After A While - Buddy Guy

To Marry or Not to Marry

2011-01-18T10:25:00.000-05:00

To remarry? Who should be wed? For how long? Who is invited?

“Marry for whim! That’s the New York idea of marriage.”

David Auburn’s adaptation of The New York Idea (a play written by Langdon Mitchell in 1906) captured the relevance and celebration that is New York today. Using marriage as a metaphor to capture the energy and innovation brought on by the city dwellers, I couldn’t help but wonder what I have witnessed that has been mentally or physically unique to New York.

Sitting in the Lucille Lortel theatre my idea of what New York was enforced and deepened. The audience age ranging from around twelve to one hundred, the subway rumbling under our feet every 15 minutes and the enthusiasm of theatre was something that felt very special and unique - as if it could not be happening anywhere else in the world. That is the illusion New York has been feeding the world to draw the great minds, inventors and ambitious artists to the city. Fortunately, this experience is increasingly found in different cities.

It became the experience of the New York Idea combined with the actual play that brought it all together for me. The play (as well as the city) can be witnessed by anyone from any walk of life, appreciated by any age group and enjoyed by many cultural backgrounds. The beauty of New York Idea is not exclusive but it is valuable.

Old Town

2011-01-13T10:09:00.000-05:00

The bar looked out of place - rightly so, it’s been around since 1892 and its authenticity is evident. The outside paneled glass is a hundred years old, the décor is made up of wood siding, ancient tiles and posters from the early 90s, and the toilet in the washroom looks extremely out of place. It is an impressive survival story in a city where very few buildings are not torn down let alone left in their original condition. Over lunch David Freeland explained that the reason this bar survived the days of prohibition was the simple fact that it didn’t practice prohibition. Its “friendship” with the city pulled it through the struggle many bars faced and gave it a head start in the vicious race of survival.

Change is necessary especially in a highly populated city. Sometimes the demolition of old buildings doesn’t sound pleasant but when certain a place like Old Town survives, it survives for a reason.

The place is still using human powered dumbwaiters, lacks wheelchair accessibility and uses steam to heat the rooms. It is a time travel experience with one exception: the music. Once I settled into this impressively antique bar, ordered my food and relaxed I noticed a song I really enjoyed playing at a significant volume throughout the building. Sean Paul. This put so much into perspective for me and I realized that this is what New York is all about; the old and the new, the conventional and unconventional all coming together over lunch.

Different Names for the Same Thing

2011-01-12T10:35:00.001-05:00

The Toronto Skydome was opened in 1989 and is famous for its fully retractable roof. It can seat up to 50,000 people and in 1993 the Toronto Blue Jays beat America at something for the first time since 1812. I saw my first concert (N’Sync), my first baseball game and my first Powwow there. Its amazing use of technology, versatility and epic name made it one of the world’s most popular entertainment centers.

The building underwent much needed renovations and was bought by Rogers Communications Inc to ensure the building was kept in ‘Canadian hands’. On February 2, 2005 the building officially had its name changed to the Rogers Center.

Passing by the Dome, driving into downtown Toronto, you cannot miss the massive structure that looks less like an entertainment hub and more like a billboard with ROGERS slapped onto the side of it. The power of capitalism comes forth in this renewal project. There is something uneasy about big companies buying up devalued landmarks and naming it after themselves. BUILDING BRANDING. Thinking about cell phones and internet is exactly what they want when you think about this building but it doesn’t seem like the most appropriate approach. The name change is justified by the amount of money invested in the building’s restoration thus making it difficult to criticize. For many this change is not harmful, only annoying.

The building remains in good working order and in Canadian hands, so what is the big deal? Perhaps it is habit or perhaps my refusal to buy into the lack of creativity in the new name but I have not yet referred to it as the Rogers Center. It is and will always be the Skydome to me… Rogers customer service is no good anyway.

85th Avenue at 10th Street

2011-01-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

“The attitude that nature is chaotic and that the artist puts order into it is a very absurd point of view, I think. All that we can hope for is to put some order into ourselves.” — Willem de Kooning

The image was some sort of representation of a woman; the breasts were there, the eyelashes, the high heels. The piece was an expressionistic piece; the emotion was there, the brushstrokes were telling stories; the work did not look like a photograph. In the piece was the whole of Downtown. The artwork that came out of de Kooning’s shared studio at 85th and 10th is representative not only of the subject but of the changing city in which it was created. Artists have painted women for hundreds of years but until the mid 1900s they did not look like Woman 1. De Kooning, along with other artists of the abstract expressionism movement, embraced the megalopolis they were living in - a place where now anything goes. Expressionism was deemed degenerate in Europe during the Second World War but now in New York, the new style of art became a modern phenomenon. Focusing on the process of creation instead of subject reflected the every day lives of people struggling to populate and be successful in the big city. Urbanization was no doubt creating chaos in the city; with the amount of people moving into the cities, finding a means of income or surviving as an artist would have been challenge. All the frustrations of chaos, the fun of living, the old subject matter and the new techniques can be found in a single painting. Without painting the landscapes or faces of New York, de Kooning captures what it meant to be living in the middle of something new – a place where I currently find myself both in New York and in Abu Dhabi.

Woman 1. Willem de Kooning. 1950-52. Oil on canvas, 6' 3 7/8" x 58" (192.7 x 147.3 cm).

il buono il brutto e il cattivo

2011-01-10T11:09:00.002-05:00

Couldn’t get Ennio Morricone out of my head while watching La fanciulla del West. None of what I was witnessing was making sense.

It seems that my chronology is all wrong…

I was born.

I fell in love with Tarantino films.

I saw the Good the Bad and the Ugly.

I watched La fanciulla del West.

Turns out that is all backwards.

Italy’s relationship with the ‘Western’ is quite significant and the artistic renditions of the west dates back to around Puccini’s time. Many of the western films made in the mid 19^th century were funded or created by Italian production companies; 56 years after La fanciulla del West premiered the Good the Bad and the Ugly was released. What spiked this interest in the west and what kind of (if any) immigration patterns did this interest create? I don’t have the answers to these questions yet but I know that there is an inseparable nature between the American image of modernity and the history of the Wild West.

What I was watching was an Italian opera with an American flare…Not an American western with Italian operatic twist.

A Horse opera or a spaghetti western? Is there a difference?

Dem’ Bones

2011-01-07T10:16:00.000-05:00

Bone carvings have been around for a very, very, very long time. They have historically been used as spiritual pendants and even “trial pieces” for metalworkers. Human bones have even been used to decorate catacombs in Italy and even whole churches in Prague. If I am familiar with these facts, why is it that I am completely fascinated with Charles LeDray’s workworkworkworkwork at the Whitney Museum?

One thing to consider about modernity is whether or not something has to be completely new and innovative, “never seen before”, to be considered modern. I would argue that when something familiar or more traditional is taken and either used in a different way or in within a different context, it can be equally considered modern.

LeDray has created small human bone sculptures that have a lot to say. There is a solar system model displayed that completely contrasts any spiritual history of the medium; he is making a statement of scientific modernity using our expectations of theology. We come from (outer space) science – a bold statement to make with an already unconventional material. Just when I thought I had him figured out, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself when I came across the sculpture of a human finger wearing a ring – the finger being carved out of ivory. He definitely made an ass out of me with that stunt.

The irony, ridicule and incredible use of the human body brings up many questions about where humanity has come from, where humanity is going and the limits our expectations put on us. It seems that to be modern today is to be flexible enough to at least consider your assumptions false, test the waters between theology and science and to realize that we are all just human…bones and all.

Umbrellas and Socks and Bears O MY!

2011-01-06T10:12:00.002-05:00

Hopping on a complex network of underground trains may seem to be a modern means of transportation but parts of the New York’s subway system have been around for over one hundred years. In the early 1900s the use of electric trains underground was perhaps a timeless leap into modernity; today there is something like 468 stations with an average of over 4 million riders daily. However, if you want to witness and explore the most “up-to-date” techniques or “ideas” of modernity today, head over the Transit museum in Brooklyn and see one of the most impressive examples of the modern mindset: The Gift Shop.

I am not well read on the subject of gift shops but I have come to my own conclusion that this “Exit Through the Gift Shop” lure of consumers has been keeping up with technology in its ‘modern evolution’ since the get-go. Years ago a keychain or a postcard or perhaps even a mug would be a suitable purchase. Alas, the more complex the subway system became, the more complex your choice in memorabilia shopping has become. The infamously intimidating subway line has become so complex that the demand for subway maps has led to the creation of everything from subway map Christmas ornaments to oven mitts. There really is no excuse for getting lost on this subway anymore. Accessibility and efficiency…now isn’t that what the modern is all about?

www.transitmuseumstore.com

Starving Artists and Rotten Apples

2011-01-05T10:15:00.002-05:00

Apparently it was New York’s complexity that made it impossible for any artistic institution to establish a dominant aesthetic style in the age of the New York Modern. The complex mix of cultures, class and training backgrounds of the innumerable amount of artists in the early and mid 1900s celebrated diverse creativity and chaos. The stubborn artists, each as passionate about preserving their unique style as the next, could not be tamed. Although there are many differences between artistic styles found in New York during this time, with each clique of artists came the same issue: making money.

I have always known NYC to be a place for starving artists (after working at a real estate office for two years I can advise any starving artists reading this to find a different city with lower property values) but how did they survive in their rebellion? Along with selling out their artistic talents to design firms advertising the wealth of the city, society began encouraging (and financing) the ‘rebellious’ artists to speak up about their own individual interpretation of the modern...

Should the rebellion against conforming to a single artistic style be celebrated? There seems to be a reoccurring theme of closed cultural communities throughout New York where each cultural group seems to have claim (or at least dominance) over a particular neighborhood… I suppose the art world here should be no different. The loss of New York’s dominance over modern art could be the result of a natural, economic or political shift in the global art community but I am wondering if it was the lack of collaboration and unity within the New York art world itself. Perhaps it was my father, a rebellious artist in his university years (purple mohawk and all), who has put it into my head that when it comes to art, boundaries need to be pushed in order for it to survive. Perhaps the Neo-New York Modern will push the boundaries of cultural confinement; still celebrating the beautiful diversity that is New York but doing so together.

Monsters and Modernity

2011-01-04T10:40:00.001-05:00

The film world has often used New York City as a stage for disaster. King Kong, Godzilla, endless waves of zombies and the Cloverfield monster have created a certain fictional history for this inevitably doomed city and its occupants. Why then, after all these horrific occurrences do people still insist on living here? Although I have been to NYC several times I feel that, because of its depiction in all these films I grew up with, I still look at New Yorkers and can’t help but be fascinated and intimidated by the people who not only survived these traumatic events, but also have the will to restore their city countless times. After each attack, the city always seems to be able to rebuild itself only to have the next monster arrive and rip it all down again. The history of monsters and zombie plagues may be fictional but I find myself in the middle of a city where the same scale of demolishing and reconstruction has occurred; if it is not Godzilla crushing a historical neighborhood, it most certainly is a committee of urban planners. I am now living on the grid that is New York City and am on the hunt for traces of these historical monsters that have torn the city up allowing for expansion, reconstruction and innovation…for better or for worse.

Lesson II: Close Encounter

2010-10-30T09:33:00.004-04:00

Lesson: There are more strangers than friends in this world...What can you learn from them?

Yesterday, my friends and I headed down to Port Zayed for a small photo shoot. When we arrived, we saw a man fishing in front of a massive fishing ship…what could be more inspiring than the little guy competing with large industries? We approached him hoping he would allow us to photograph him and after some exchanged hand gestures (he did not speak a word of English or Arabic) he agreed to pose for us. We weren’t looking for these staged ‘tourist’ images but we could not explain to him that we wanted him to continue fishing as he was. Offering me his fishing line he insisted on our participation.

There was something very refreshing about this encounter; none of us ever felt uncomfortable, we were having too much fun learning from this stranger. The images we captured were candid, genuine and what I believe to be a statement of positive cross-cultural interaction.

I was taken completely out of my element; I found myself fishing during the hottest time of day, halfway around the world from where I was born and raised, with a stranger who I couldn’t verbally communicate with. I realized I am an alien in a country that is not my own. We are all human and we are all capable of being kind to one another regardless of the obstacles we face through difference.

How can you ever meet anyone if you never interact with strangers? Don’t be afraid of people; take the time to notice the similarities and differences you have with everyone around you. For terror to survive we are meant to feel distant, incompatible and alone. We are none of these. You will never learn anything from people who are exactly like you.

Italia

2010-10-20T00:32:00.001-04:00

Da una piccola scintilla può scoppiare una fiamma.

From a little spark may burst a flame

– Dante

Two months ago when Ray suggested I fly out to Italy to spend a weekend with him on set it seemed impossible…nothing but a nice idea. I am half Italian and have never been to Italy, I haven’t seen Ray in almost two months and I love being around film. Why wouldn’t I make this idea work? I began harassing immigration for my passport/emirates residence visa, researching the cheapest flights possible and trying to get ahead in my schoolwork; all I could think about was getting to see him.

I wish I could explain how incredible it feels to be reunited with someone you love after being away for a while. I can’t. Every cliché in every romantic scene in every movie cannot communicate the excitement and overwhelming emotion in living it. When it comes to him I have thrown away any hesitation; if he is there, I know I will be happy.

* * *

“We picked up right where we left off. There was no moment in these three days with you where I felt like the distance and time apart was creating distance between us. You haven’t changed.”

* * *

There are certain things in life that you are so sure of that acting on your certainty is completely necessary. If you have the courage to go on a crazy adventure, the means to get away and the love to enjoy it…do it. Everything in our lives is ephemeral so do what makes you happy while you can. This weekend, I have fallen in love again with the same man. Not to say I had fallen out of love, but I feel I have fallen in love as an adult. I am humbled by my past in the greatness I see in my future. Four plane rides, a train ride, four cities, three days and one love…

And I can go on and on…but who cares?

– Gnarls Barkley

What Next?

2010-10-01T11:40:00.001-04:00

One lifetime is quite insignificant in the existence of our species. If you want to really reflect on the hurried nature we have all been born into, think about the hundreds of thousands of years that have brought us to today – the very instant that you are reading through this sentence. There have been hundreds of thousands of lifetimes we had nothing to do with and an innumerable amount of lifetimes we may (or may not) affect in the future but will never know. Without digging too deeply into my interest of spirituality, physics and philosophy, I want to bring up the importance of appreciating the unknown essence of the future.

Imagine yourself on a timeline flowing through a million possibilities at any given moment but only ever experiencing one. When faced with ‘choices’ in our lives we often think of limited amounts of options– life is not simplistic enough to offer limited options. How do we explain what happens to us? Here in Abu Dhabi many of us are unsure how we made it here; I have been asking myself this question my whole life. Everywhere I find myself, in every aspect of my life, I question my role in making it happen.

Perhaps predestination has played out in my journey through my conscious reality, perhaps when I thought I was choosing a certain path it turns out I was just born at the right time. I feel like I am the ball dropped into a ball drop game where a series of unavoidable pins deflect me right and left out of my control until I make my way down to the winning position. The unpredictable last minute risk I took in the fourth grade has thrown me into a series of successful accomplishments where I now find myself at the best school, with a supportive family back home, the best friend I could ask for, being with the love of my life, and being able to maintain a decent mindset. Everything has been set up for me too perfectly and only now is it making me nervous. When is everything going to stop working out for me? I am beginning to anticipate the storm...the skies have been clear for far too long and I am too blessed to not be thinking about a threatening future.

Island of Flowers

2010-09-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

Take the time to watch, think, and feel.

Saw this video for the first time today. Impressed, moved, and concerned. Please let me know what you think.

Lesson I

2010-09-23T07:55:00.001-04:00

By a series of improbable events and a lot of hard work I now find myself living in Abu Dhabi for school. There are so many differences I could list off comparing Toronto to Abu Dhabi but in doing so would not be expressing the beauty of either.

I will be posting a series of short staggered blogs in no particular order about specific observations or lessons I have learned that have truly inspired me…living halfway around the world from my home in a new country and in a new culture.

LESSON: Reflection

4:54 6:11 12:16 3:42 6:20 7:50

Fajr Shorook Zuhr Asr Maghrib Isha

I wake up almost every morning at 4:54 to the first sounds of the mosque right outside my building. The calls to prayer continue throughout the day – during class, during meals, at the mall and at the beach. When the proclamation of faith and reflection rings across the whole city I am feeling the sensation of unity, community and spirituality present.

Although I am not religious I find myself taking this time to relax, not as procrastination, but as a time for quick meditation. I remind myself five times a day where I am, what my goals are, and who is important to me. My workload here doesn’t give me much time to feel creative but these brief breaks give me enough time to gather my thoughts.

If you make time for yourself (even just a few minutes) to pause and reflect on your day, your week, your year, or your life, you will open yourself to remember happiness and reflect on pain. Both happiness and pain are common emotions we too often suppress in our busy lives. Aside from the emotional reflection, you might find time to let your suppressed creativity come forward. I am finding that creativity when given just a small amount of time, can work rather quickly. In a few minutes you can compose movies in your mind or symphonies in your soul.

LESSON LEARNED: Life is too short to rush through.

Brave New World

2010-09-15T09:12:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been thinking about ways to keep a positive outlook on seemingly dismal situations. I frequently come up with strategies, musings and mantras (all of them used as distractions) to try to keep a positive mindset. Just when I thought that some things were impossible to stay optimistic about, I opened my film course textbook to the very first page. In bold letters just under the preface heading read: “Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens.” – Aldous Huxley. The timing of this quote was quite uncanny; I had recently given up on my theory that making the best of a situation was possible for anyone in any circumstance. I take this back, and with full force, would like to promote it once again.

You don’t have to be happy about the situation you are in, but you can harness the energy, time, thoughts and feelings connected to the emotions to do something great. To find this release is an internal exploration dependant entirely on the individual at hand…a sometimes crippling adventure leading to a better end.

In the end, it is what we do and how we react to the worst that defines the strength in ourselves; overcoming an intimidating obstacle will make many others tolerable and we will become stronger in all aspects of life. These emotionally and mentally enfeebling challenges push us to become who we need to be where we need to be.

So make the best with what you’re given and you will remember these experiences as triumphs for the rest of your life. Be brave when you find yourself in a new world.

This One is About Love.

2010-09-08T16:27:00.000-04:00

I. Growth

A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship. –Rilke

There are always addictions, affections and obsessions that we simply cannot get enough of. While you are indulging, not being able to get enough extends the enjoyment. Consequently, the acknowledgement that you really won’t ever get enough is quite painful. This is what I realized.

When you are suffering from a withdrawal, it is hard to feel anything aside from the discomfort of the unfulfilled enjoyment you are craving. The burning, aching, heart wrenching desire for missed affections find their way to you when you are reminded of what really makes you happy.

If you change your perception on this discomfort it quickly becomes a tool of success and growth. Without discomfort there is no growth, there is no change; you would not feel the need to transform or mature if you were completely comfortable (why take the risk of potentially becoming uncomfortable?).

Apply this to love.

Physical absence of love is uncomfortable but can lead to the growth of intangible aspects of relationships that often are ignored. I guess it’s the whole “you don’t know what you have until it is gone” situation put to use in a positive way. Constructive growth is possible in all aspects of life… Love included.

II. Faith and Courage

Believe that with your feelings and your work you are taking part in the greatest; the more strongly you cultivate this belief, the more will reality and the world go forth from it. -Rilke

Love doesn’t fall from the sky; it is the product of hard work (easy-hard work if there is such a thing). The design of a relationship is built over any amount of time with a variety of material. Be proud of the effort you supply and have enough faith in what you feel to defend external disapproval. When you are being brave enough to put yourself out there, you will attract criticism; this is because you are going against the grain and people will often disagree with unfamiliar actions. It is their own discomfort and negative experiences that lead them to criticize the hard work and beliefs of others. Stand your ground and defend your love, but most importantly, believe in it.

III. Adjust

Sand is always shifting; footprints made one day will be gone the next leaving a seamless mass of beautiful untouched landscapes. By adjusting itself it transforms into something more striking than before. The same goes with success. To be successful you have to adjust to situations you find yourself in; this easily applies to love. By being able to make adjustments and adapting, you can turn any seemingly difficult situation into a pathway to the success of love.

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. – Rilke

Letters

2010-08-23T18:56:00.005-04:00

Nobody writes letters anymore. We live in a web of technological social networking where we can instantly connect with virtually anyone (pun intended). I must take a stand for hand written letters. Emails are quick, convenient and sometimes necessary; western society is fast paced and often demands near instant responses through technology. As a result of these demands, often there is chilling brevity found in emails, not necessarily in words, but through the understanding that little effort is required in sending off an email.

When receiving a letter you are receiving the imperfect script of the sender, the smells of its creation and the meaningful words sent days, sometimes weeks, before (a significant existence in the age of the inbox). I am not opposed to emails but we have to appreciate the difference between the personal process of sending or receiving letters and the dehumanizing convenience of sending an email. For me, letters are physical evidence of appreciation, love and accomplishment; they are physical reminders of past and present intimacy. An email, no matter how sublime, cannot trigger the same emotional responses a letter can. We experience letters with one of our most intimate senses: touch. It is this sense that is valued most when apart, but is being lost online.

Around 1am on a Sunday night I was catching the Subway home from downtown Toronto when I saw (what I assumed to be) a homeless man waiting for the train in front of me. His clothes were tattered, his shoes were mostly aged duct tape, he had two shopping bags full of shopping bags and he carried an ancient gym bag. As he stepped onto the train he shifted his bag around him so that it was now resting on his back. It was then I saw that the front pocket of this bag was stuffed with fistfuls of aged letters.

There was an overflow of thought process that followed this observation. I began making up memories of this man – not things he might remember, but who he might have been. [Memory being the capacity of a substance to return to a previous state or condition after being altered or deformed] I imagined this man as a substance and I imagined his past, present and future self. I have no idea what those letters were, but I believe that these letters were either his hope or his demise…love letters, or debts. Reading these mantric letters would allow him to return to a better point in time where there are few worries and even fewer pains. Regardless of their content their emotional importance to him was evident.

If I ever found myself living on the street, I would hope to have my shopping bags full of love letters.

Wake Up

2010-08-08T14:18:00.003-04:00

Although our world is a place of immense diversity, humanity has much in common, not only in our essential desires, but the similar hazards and difficulties we have faced. Certainly, what is so significant about our evolution as intricate beings is after all we have suffered, we are still making the same mistakes. We are fighting unnecessary wars, depriving children of education, and we are losing ourselves in illogical hatred toward one another.

Humanity prides itself in its uniqueness but when faced with a significant difference becomes hateful. By not taking the extra time to understand the beauty of variation, it is not hard to fall into fear and frustration. People fear what they don’t understand and often feel threatened by the success of another culture, religion or race. Ignorance is a nefarious weakness everyone is guilty of. The danger of ignorance is that it can grow from a passive irrelevance into a horribly complex war through a single generation.

Everywhere in the world there is pain; though our pains are unique and vary, it is essentially the same negative energy we all feel. Pain is something we all know, but we also know love and we also know compassion. When we come together as a compassionate global community we can bridge continents and cultures, close the gap of ignorance, and thrive on our similar longings of growth and human endeavor. By extending ourselves beyond traditional means, we may reach out to one another, not as an aid, but as an equal.

When social stigma is gone and the global community is relieved of intolerant hatred there will be an opening for immense opportunity where those who are passionate about social and political understanding will show the world that we all have something to offer one another.

It is never enough to tolerate difference; we must begin to understand, appreciate and respect each other so that we can break out of the vicious circle of hatred. The ideal state is not where we are all the same, but where together we can celebrate what makes each of us special.

Failed Star

2010-08-04T21:49:00.001-04:00

Jupiter is the largest planet in our solar system. As it turns out, the massive planet still isn’t big enough to shine. The failed star couldn’t spark a thermonuclear fusion reaction because of its lack of mass. Unfortunate isn’t it? Having to settle for being the biggest planet instead of a star isn’t so bad; if Jupiter had become a star we wouldn’t exist. Simply put (because I am no expert on such matters), the disappointing failure of Jupiter allowed the success of our solar system.

At any given instant there are scores of people who find themselves disappointed. Being let down is a horribly easy state for anyone to fall into. Specific events that cause disappointment vary but the lousy distress is based either on our expectations being too high, or our perspective too critical.

High expectations generally lead to dissatisfaction. When you expect too much from yourself there is not enough room for unpredictable error. Where you expect the unrealistic, the realistic (no matter how good it is) will seem unfair. Where you expect certain victory, you will feel inadequate in a stalemate. There are so many factors playing into a single instant that there needs to be a presence of self-allowance. These factors can be called excuses, either way they exist and influence the future.

When you feel the need to uphold perfection, you will frequently be disappointed. Modestly applaud success and condone insignificant failures. Every imperfect moment brings wisdom that will allow us to grow into something bigger and better than our present selves.

Handling disappointment is hardest when you are disappointed in yourself. There is no scapegoat, or justification that could possibly satisfy the despondent self. Self-criticism can lead to insightful growth and understanding, but lingering on blame and begrudging yourself is destructive and unnecessary. There are plenty of opportunities to prove greatness. Failure only detours the path to success it doesn’t destroy it.

Sometimes we have to settle on being a big planet until we grow enough to shine. Sometimes shining means remaining a big planet. Disappointment goes as quickly as it comes so don’t let it ruin the solar system.

Life is Worth Much More Than Gold

2010-07-28T16:55:00.002-04:00

Tonight is my LONG anticipated last shift at work. After two years of working at the same place I am now off to school. I decided to quit a month ‘early’ so I would have time to spend with my family and friends. This summer has been frustrating; my best friend works every day (whereas I work every night) and I have been left behind at home every weekend while my family heads up north to the cottage. I figure my pitiful income is worth giving up for more time to spend with those I love.

Money is always an issue…but worrying about it is not a priority for me right now. There are vast amounts of money in the world and in four years I will have plenty to earn. There are inexpensive ways to spend time and I am going to have to figure out what those are in the next month.

My mother has raised me to be independent; since I started working (at the age of 13) I have been responsible for paying for everything except the food I eat at home and the room I sleep in. I have transformed from that young teenaged girl who was able to save all her extra money into what many refer to as a ‘starving student’. Considering my circumstance…that is fine with me.

I debated with myself for months about whether or not I really wanted to take off a whole month of work. If you knew my family and friends you would have done the same. The people I love are worth more than any amount of money.

No Slacking Off.

2010-07-24T21:54:00.009-04:00

It takes strength and faith to make a sacrifice. Once you have made a sacrifice, you want to do everything in your power to ensure that sacrifice was not made in vain. To leave something of great value, you must believe there is something in life greater than the present. The future, the motivating goals and the passionate force you will drive yourself with to make the best of it all are what give the sacrifice its worth.

Its becoming hard to decipher prescience from fantasies; what I can see happening in my life is violently fighting my desire for what I want to happen in my life. I can visualize my happiness but every instant, every action and every word can quickly alter this seemingly absolute reality of my future. I have virtually no options to ensuring I get what I want...I have only one choice: I need to work my ass off.

I work well under pressure. The race against time and my flaw of being very emotionally attached to all my labor energizes and enhances the quality of my work. However, I have never had an outside motivational source until now. It was put so simply that the pressure put on me before I could even apply it excited me. The challenge, the need to prove how serious I am about how I feel, will carry me through my months away at school until I can come home and say, “I did it”.

Spent last night stressing; I was worried that I couldn’t make it in my desired industry…that it just might prove to be too difficult for me to fulfill my dream. Raymond told me, “Chani, if you leave me here and go to this amazing school and you DON’T work your ass off…I am going to be angry”. I am leaving everything I cherish 10,000miles away because I have been given an amazing opportunity to be apart of something bigger than myself. There is no way I can be negligent when the stakes are so high. I am going to conquer my flaws, submerge myself in my work and come back proud of what I have accomplished.

The lazy always lose…I don’t like to think of myself as a loser.

In class - Abu Dhabi - January 2010

The Ant

2010-07-14T18:52:00.001-04:00

You must do the thing you think you cannot do - Eleanor Roosevelt

There was a giant black ant crawling along the perimeter of my porcelain bathtub. I watched it struggle as it made its way around the edge trying to avoid sliding down into the empty basin. Overcome by the frustration of walking on the slippery surface, the ant decided to effortlessly detour up and across the wall until it reached the other side of the tub.

Maybe when we feel defeated its not that we aren’t capable of accomplishing our goal…perhaps we are just approaching it the wrong way. Don’t underestimate yourself; when the right-way-up just isn’t getting you to where you need to be, turn your world upside down.

Firstly.

2010-07-07T14:07:00.000-04:00

“A great man is the man who does something for the first time.”

- Alexander Smith

There is a first time for everything…for everyone. Remembering our firsts can warm our hearts or make us cringe.
The ones that make us uncomfortable are probably the more important ones to remember: the first time you were grounded, your first F, the first time you had to get stitches. We learn our lessons (hopefully) but use these harsh milestones as a reminder that there are consequences for our actions.
The other, more heartening firsts have taught us what we like. You remember the euphoric moment of tasting your first chocolate milkshake, or your first trip to the zoo. Reflecting on the things we take pleasure in brings out certain emotions that leave us wanting to enjoy and share the positive experiences with others.
Yesterday I took Ray out for his first crêpe and followed the success of the Nutella and strawberry breakfast avec whip cream with his first visit to the Art Gallery of Ontario. I was more eager than usual because I had the chance to relive these firsts all over again with him. I discovered a new source of happiness in sharing what I love to someone who was experiencing it for the first time.
If you find yourself feeling like there is nothing interesting to do… Make the conscious effort to have more firsts yourself. Try something new or get someone else to.

He enjoyed himself. I promise.

Courage My Love

2010-07-03T17:00:00.000-04:00

To lose all hope is a terrible thing; to be happy is to have something to hope for and something to look forward to. Optimism is something I strive for everyday and although being cheery through a rough day can be difficult I know there is always something better coming my way. When the bad days seem endless I have the courage to stand up for others (although rarely for myself), to make my own decisions, to listen to criticism and to roll with the punches life often throws my way. I can’t say I am fortunate to have such courage; it is not something we are born with, I worked hard at developing it and still have a long way to go.
Without courage people focus on what they have lost rather than what they have left to gain. Cowardice is a lethal flaw that begins with hiding behind tiny lies and quickly develops to enclose all fundamental convictions of happiness. It is the same weakness that stops the coward from seeing what needs to change thus allowing all struggles to continue.
It is very frustrating to know people who can’t open their minds or harden their hearts. They forget everything they used to fight for and begin to fall victim to small daily challenges. The necessary selfishness it may require to deal with your inner issues can be what it takes to overcome the hopelessness of fear. There are few things (if any) in life more important than taking care of yourself…so take care.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

Intimately Rearranged

2010-06-22T23:45:00.000-04:00

You progress not through what has been done, but reaching towards what has yet to be done.

- Kahlil Gibran

Dedicating a year to accomplish a goal is something I very quickly and certainly threw myself into. I was ecstatic when I received the good news I was stressing over for nine months. The innumerable amount of portfolio preparation, SAT studying and phone calls paid off in one simple email RE: “Congratulations”. When something is too good to be true, it takes some time to accept; you are just waiting to wake up. It’s the feeling that this success doesn’t belong to you, it got the wrong person. Maybe it is a lack in my confidence or an innate humility but I wonder every day how I managed this.

Realization, enlightenment, call it what you will, hit me all at once. I’m leaving on a plane with all my ‘stuff’ alone to my new home. I started to get choked up. I was not second guessing my decision; I was completely overwhelmed by what I was able to achieve and stricken with angst for realizing the sacrifices I would need to make. Leaving home is an occurrence in nearly everyone’s life; leaving everyone thousands of miles behind is less common. ‘Parting with people is a sadness. A place is only a place’ (Dune).

Being uprooted is a stressful process (although it took me a long time to understand this). Perhaps it is because I have lived comfortably in the same home my whole life with my relatives’ support system at hand. Now that I am older I find myself trying to hold my own with less help from my family and friends; a forceful personal challenge I am not sure is the right thing to do. I am reminded that staying focused on what you are passionate about is how you accomplish the impossible. In the end you need to do what it is to attain your dream and the people that matter will stick around. People come and go and things change. When everything is rearranged the people who love you will remain.

Save the Birds

2010-06-16T22:56:00.000-04:00

People who complain that they never have enough time fail to realize that no one ever knows how much time they actually have. How we spend our time will always be condemned by other people. Without understanding their motives, insight or morals, to criticize someone’s use of their own time is, in itself, a waste of time. The passive will always criticize the active for not making time for the little things and the active will always criticize the passive for not getting enough done. If you think about this criticism offered to you (whether you are predominately passive or active), you will naturally begin to question your priorities.

Today I watched a woman, who appeared to be no younger than two hundred years old, hunched over with her light knit cardigan in her hands navigating a stubborn bird off the street. After I was done writing her into a conceptual comedic movie plot I realized she probably thought it would get run over on this quiet dead end street; I was more concerned they would both get run over. One flick of the sweater and one hop at a time they made it to the curb. This woman, who realistically doesn’t have much time left alive, spent a painful amount of it relocating this bird. Many would judge that the woman wasted her fifteen minutes thinking the bird would have flown away eventually. Some would say the woman’s effort in such an inconsequential situation suggests a compassionate personality.

Everyday we sacrifice our time for all types of responsibility. To one person going to school might be most important, to another, rescuing a mulish bird. I cannot stress the importance of doing what you love and believe to be right in all aspects of living. The little things we do in our lifetime add up but are often overpowered by our greater accomplishments. Over prioritizing can allow these small acts of beautiful spontaneity to be missed; not prioritizing at all can lead to chaos.

Find a comfortable middle ground of passive productivity where the tiniest acts of love and largest aspirations can both occur. Remember that time is more precious than money so spend it more carefully. We never know how much time we have and there is a very limited amount. Work hard, but don’t forget to stop and save the birds.

Reflection on Sleep

2010-06-12T22:26:00.001-04:00

No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. -Carrie Snow

SLEEP! The average person spends one third of their life sleeping. Of course this calculation varies, but as an average number, one third of your life is quiet significant; if you live until you are seventy five, you have spent twenty five years sleeping (or only fifty years awake). Initially this realization can be quiet disheartening to someone who really enjoys sleeping but I believe there is a lot to gain from spending more time in bed. Nothing feels more satisfying than falling asleep or as nasty as burning out not being able to get to your bed.

Some people think that staying in bed isn’t productive or that sleeping in wastes your day…I bed to differ. Half my day dreaming is done on the Toronto Transit, the other half when I am lying in bed. Day dreaming is something I have always been exceptionally good at and when put to use produces quality ideas (which may or may not be acted upon in the future). I think people need to see the importance of slowing down and actually taking the time to visualize, create, and imagine the infinity of possibilities that exists in our minds. Jumping out of bed to an alarm clock every morning, as oppose to waking up slow, doesn’t leave time for reflection or emotion – it is more mechanical than human. We all have good ideas; not everybody takes the time to realize it.

Everyone dreams, yet, dream consciousness is a mystery; although it can be explained how we dream, there is no explanation as to why we dream. The perceptual images we experience while we are asleep feel so similar to our waking consciousness but the time it takes to perceive them (without physical sensory) is infinitely quicker.

I heard an interesting theory regarding dream consciousness. They say after death, once everything is shutdown, there is still up to twelve minutes of brain activity. If you have ever fallen back to sleep in the morning and had a long elaborate dream only to wake up a minute later then you have experienced the raw relativity of time. Time as we know it in our waking life seems finite but when you are asleep the relative rules of time do not apply. Twelve minutes of dream consciousness could be enough time for limitless existence.

When you are asleep the rules of time don’t apply and therefore there will be a lot more time to spend sleeping.

The Hardest Thing in the World to do is to Find Someone Who Believes in You

2010-06-08T20:35:00.001-04:00

"Don’t tell me what I cannot do.” – John Locke (LOST)

When you are young it is easy to have boundless dreams. Kids are asked a thousand times over what they want to be then they grow up. Their continual responses include becoming a firefighter, a ballerina, a pirate. The dreams of children amuse us because they are backed by the innocence and conviction we lose as we get older.

As we mature, our dreams are sacrificed for a developed sense of practicality. We start making decisions based on the time, effort and money involved; based on our resources and work ethic we too frequently choose to settle. There are few things more defeating than compromising dreams for comfort. Pursuing dreams is difficult and there are many situations you can find yourself in where you will have to face failure; it is in these situations where the exemplar of ambition thrives.

Taking the first steps towards an end requires a considerable amount of faith; everything in your being needs to be telling you you’re doing the right thing. Whether it is faith in your work, faith in a god, or the faith only in yourself as an intellectual or otherwise, the assurance of success must be present. By having faith you regain the sincerity of a child – you don’t need to get to where you want to go, you simply are there.

* * *

Depending on sociological and economical conditions, chasing a goal can be as easy as dreaming it up or as difficult as combating the world. Many people born into affluence won’t need part time jobs or to babysit their siblings; they can afford to focus on their objective. The threat in such a position however, comes from the provider; they may have different goals for their children and often use their resources to support such goals. Being born into poverty poses another struggle; inner strength can be gained through hardships but the support to pursue dreams may not present. Regardless of where you find yourself on the spectrum of social economics, ultimately the choices are only ours to make.

Ignorant people will always belittle you for your dreams. Finding someone to believe in you is one of the challenges we all have to face throughout our lives. What is important to one person may seem like a foolish waste of time to another. There is no choice word to describe the feeling of finding that person who has complete certainty (perhaps more so than you have in yourself) of your potential. The initial unexpectedness of such an encounter can refuel determination and the continuance of its presence makes it nearly impossible to doubt yourself. However, if pursuing your dreams means standing alone, have faith in yourself and know what you are doing is right.

“Say what you mean and act how you feel,
because those who matter don't mind,
and those who mind don't matter.”
-Dr Seuss

Nobody Knows Everything

2010-06-07T23:15:00.001-04:00

Douglas Adams wrote, “Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space” (Hitchhikers Guide). The accuracy of this quote can make one feel very inconsequential in a world we have always perceived to be much larger than it actually is. There are over six billion people on earth and an infinite (or close to) number of combinations of people and places.

The Toronto subway, like New York’s, is an unpredictable, busy place. Having had the opportunity to take the subway home everyday after school for four years, I have consequently had the pleasure of witnessing some bizarre situations. Whether it is a shameless public display of affection, a talkative senior or someone a little eccentric, subway riders are always meant to feel uncomfortable or perhaps even a bit entertained by the strange characters aboard. None of these common subway incidents quite measure up to the incident I witnessed just recently.

It was during off-peak hours and I had the chance to sit down (something a teenager like me rarely gets the opportunity to do). The man across from me was reading the Metro and I, out of boredom, was attempting to read the celebrity gossip column which weaved in between his completed crossword and Sudoku puzzles. I quickly gave up my attempt to read the fine text from across the subway only to realize I was not the only one interested in this mans newspaper. There was another man with his Metro open a few seats down from myself. He was a peculiar looking man with outdated clothes and untamed hair. Judging by the expression on his face, he was having a hard time filling out his own crossword puzzle. This man saw the completed puzzle across from me, stood up and walked directly towards the man with the answers, knelt down and shamelessly began doubling the answers onto his own crossword.

I am positive that the first man was slightly uncomfortable pretending not to notice his admirer; everyone else on the subway must have been forcing their laughs down into their guts. I learned something very significant from this stranger; he was not copying the answers for an assignment, he wasn’t cheating for a test; this man was using his resources to solve a problem.
In life people gain knowledge from experience or exposure. The possibility that two people experience and are exposed to the exact same things in life is highly improbable, thus leading me to the conclusion that one person can not have all the answers. Crossword puzzles, unlike Sudoku puzzles, are based on knowledge; instead of being given nine options to choose from (where extensive trial and error can result in the correct solution), the accurate answer may not be available to the participant.

Using each others experiences as a resource to gain knowledge is something humanity has done over thousands of years. From Elders, to books and now to crossword puzzles, information is gathered not from plagiarizing ideas but from collecting factual information from others.
This man was using another person’s knowledge to fill in his own blanks or perhaps he just needed help gaining momentum to answer his own questions. Regardless, he taught me that although we may not have the answer, someone out there does, all we need to do is find them.